Ghost Sandwiches

Well excUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUse me, Princess.

2006-06-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

The general consensus of people I talk to seem to have no knowledge of a Legend of Zelda cartoonfrom back in the day. For that, they fail at life. The Legend of Zelda Series and The Super Mario Bros. Super Show were the finest hours of television in my generation, to date. The following clip is a montage of the catch phrase from the Legend of Zelda Series.

A cartoon with a catch phrase? Get out of town!

I'll Do Something Eventually.

2006-05-20T11:34:00.000-07:00

When I get around to it.

That College Thing...

2006-04-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

Sorry people, no new posts for a week. I got finals for the next week, gotta focus. If I don't I will end up a bald piece of shit who trys to run a photoshop business off blogspot. I was going to make a whole post about Carl Rogers, explaining how worthless his "slams" are (all those British comments are him btw) and going to give him hints how to flame me in the future, but I already lost a $30 dollar bet since he doesn't have down syndrome, so I didn't want to waste anymore time or effort on him.

Click picture, download file; recieve entertainment.

Gay Niggers from Outer Space

2006-04-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing that I have always prided myself on, it is that I don't give a flying-fuck about race, religion, or sexual orientation. I don't view any deviance of these three from my personal beliefs as a threat to any extent. I base my opinions of people on the content of their character. I was going to quote Martin Luther King Jr. here, but I believe that the space-time continuum will literally rip if I quote MLK within 150 words of the phrase "gay niggers from outer space."

With color blindness and practical indifference to others, it is no wonder that I find titles such as "Gay Niggers from Outer Space" to be the funniest thing I have ever heard. I was linked to the imdb of this movie on Collegehumor.com awhile ago. I seriously suffocated from laughter because I found the actual title so offensive, ridiculous, and unnecessary.

But enough of me covering my ass, let's talk about this movie:
Firt off; Yes. This is an actual movie. I can assure you that It is not some Ghost Sandwiches fabrication. Here is the actual overview of the movie (as found on 5 different sites):

"The Universe. Its mighty power. Its evolutionary force, not to be stopped by anyone. In its beauty, this, this is a happy place to stay, filled with harmony and cosmic joy. A free place, where men can express themselves, and be as when they were born. All of this is, because someone cares. Because someone looks after us. When we sleep, when we play. When we act natural. This is a movie about those who risk life, and partners, to guarantee living in a wonderful and free universe. This is a movie about the Gayniggers From Outer Space. The Gayniggers come from the planet Anus, in the 8th Sun System, far far away from here. They are much, much more intelligent than any other creature in the Universe. The most fascinating thing about them is that they, with the help of their super intelligence, and their highly developed telepathic system, Braintapping, will be able to create a world, a society, a perfect world to live in without the presence of women. A MALE ONLY WORLD."

The line "this movie is about Gayniggers from outer space," is enough to supply my sense of humor for a full moon rotation. They state it in all seriousness like "Gayniggers" are an alien species that we fail to recognize and provide equality to. Notice how they group the words "gay" and "nigger" together to make it look like a specific alien species of some sort.

Clever.

But don't be fooled; Gayniggers come from the planet Anus and are a threat to all females on this planet.

That is the actual plot. Seriously. Gayniggers come down here and kill off all women with their "gay ray" in order to secure a utopia of gay males.

Watch out ladies! It's a Gaynigger with his Gay Ray!

If only I thought of that when I wrote and directed my 6th grade play. I just copped out and did Macbeth.

I actually took time out to watch this whole movie (isn't the internet wonderful?) and I gotta tell ya, it is a cinematic masterpiece. This movie is so amazing that I couldn't possible explain it nor pinpoint where the council of muses is in full effect. However, I know that the magic did occur between the backwards speaking Asians and the dude getting "Gaynigger seed" (A.K.A. jizz) poured on his head.

Still don't believe me and think I am just making this movie up, all in an excuse to use the phrase "gay niggers from outer space?"

Well, Watch this.

Yes, that is the entire "Gay Niggers from Outer Space" movie.

All 27 minutes of it.

Don't ever say I didn't do anything for you.

I Represent America and Love Cock

2006-04-24T22:39:00.000-07:00

I'll let you in on a little secret; I am actually the American representative to the rest of the world. Believe it or not; this college kid's blog is the gateway to American culture, interests, and diplomacy. That's why such posts as this one are so vital to the American culture. Now that you know that comments such as this one make perfect sense:

Anonymous said...

Yeah, really impressive. So you actually hand this stuff in to a professor? And he/she reads it? This has educational value in what way? Oh, it's the 'United' States of America. How foolish of me.

Considering the fact that the paper assignment was "Personal Drug Experience Paper" I am going to type that and turn that in, if that's alright with you in the UK. I am assuming you are in the UK since you despise us sharing the 'United' portion of that name enough that you sarcastically put a quotation around it.

And yes, how foolish of you to be reading this site. I don't want to take time away from you tailor appointments or your politics. We here in America don't have those past times. We replace "tailor appointments" with "pig rasslin'" and "politics" with "sodomy." You are far too high class to be linked to this site. So I apologize for your inconvenience of coming to Ghost Sandwiches, taking the time to read that post, and then posting under the highly intellectual name of "Anonymous."

My bad.

About the cock loving part, well that was all explained in the next comment:

weed smoker said...

what are you some kind of poof (gay, i know you americans have difficulty with proper english)one toke on a bong and the walls move. bob marley will be spinning in his grave at your light weightness. so why dont you stick to your weak american beer instead of trying to be a cool kid!!!! more like ass sandwhiches. you cock lover.

"weed smoker" raises a lot of valid points; I am gay, I don't understand proper english (even though properly, English should be capitalized), Bob Marley hates me, I drink weak beer, I am trying to be cool, I should change the name of this blog, and I love cock.

Touché.

When I initially read the word "poof" my blood pressure shot up and I became light headed. What strange alien language could he be possibly using? I tried to recall any episodes of Babylon 5 that could help me in translating it, but the sub note he provided helped me understand that "Poof" actually translates to "gay." Thanks buddy, I was lost without you. I guess I zoned out all those times my English friend called me a poof, in fact, I must zone out all day since he loves to call everyone that.

Also, out of my 1.4 days worth of Bob Marley music, I finally noticed that he really does hate me. How did I not catch that until now? Maybe I needed to look past that shallow "peace" and "love" message.

And maybe he is right; maybe I should change the name of my blog to "Ass Sandwiches" and appeal to more of a 7yr old audience. I think I once told this kid in the 2nd grade that his sandwich looked like an "ass sandwich" and everyone at the lunch table laughed. It was really funny at the time...Then I went through puberty.

And he is DEAD ON with me loving the cock. I wonder what gave it away?

UPDATE:
I decided to correct the grammar and spelling in weed smoker's message:

Original:
weed smoker said...

what are you some kind of poof (gay, i know you americans have difficulty with proper english)one toke on a bong and the walls move. bob marley will be spinning in his grave at your light weightness. so why dont you stick to your weak american beer instead of trying to be a cool kid!!!! more like ass sandwhiches. you cock lover.

Ghost Sandwich edit:
Weed Smoker said…

What are you? Some kind of “Poof?” (It means “gay,” I know you Americans have difficulty with proper English.) One toke on a bong and the walls move? Bob Marley would be spinning in his grave at how much of a lightweight you are! So, why don’t you stick to your weak American beer instead of trying to be a “cool” kid! More like “Ass Sandwiches.” You are a cock lover.

Wake Up; It's Saturday Morning (No Cootie Zone).

2006-04-14T16:14:00.000-07:00

Oh me!

Here is every opening song to the cartoons I watched as a kid.

No girls allowed.

Duck Tales

Gummi Bears

SWAT Kats

Biker Mice From Mars

Animaniacs

Tiny Toons

Gargoyles

Ren and Stimpy

Rocko's Modern Life

Darkwing Duck

Freakazoid

The Tick

The Stupidest Thing I Have Ever Heard.

2006-04-12T22:45:00.000-07:00

natural selection; n.
The process in nature by which, according to Darwin's theory of evolution, only the organisms best adapted to their environment tend to survive and transmit their genetic characteristics in increasing numbers to succeeding generations while those less adapted tend to be eliminated.

I want to make that very clear before I start. I want to let you know that Dr. Darwin was correct in his theory. But with everything, there are loopholes:

Even in the bible.

The loophole to Natural Selection is that some idiots mate with other idiots and super idiot generations are born. Regardless of what you might think from my constant bitching on this blog, I am actually a pretty laid back guy and don't really mind anyone around me. But when people in my general area say the stupidest god damn shit I have ever heard in my life, I get really, really, really annoyed.

So annoyed that I will actually tell them that they are a raging idiot on the spot. I have heard two things in my life that have sparked such a reaction in me. Just two small phrases that illicted such anger I really question if they might have said my "trigger word," snapping my cold war training into gear and I had to kill all pinko commies in a 20 block radius. This is one of those two, and I SWEAR it is 100% true.

Please exit my blog right now if you are within reach of weapons and near one (or more) of the following:

Children
Puppies
Kittens
Fine China
A CD player with the "Benny Hill" theme song on repeat

Ready?

Good. that's the reaction I love to hear out of Ghost Sandwichers.

Dom's plan for the future of the world and our solar system:
Last summer, I got a job up at Nintendo of America (NOA) doing game testing full time. It's nerdy I know; but I am in college and a guy, so it made since to play videogames all day and get paid for it. The only problem was that it was hell on earth. Here is the reality of game testing; you don't sign up for what you want, you get what they give you. You could work on Barbie Horse Adventure for 6 months without ever moving on. Think about it; that is 6 months, 5-7 days a week, 8-10 hour days on Barbie fucking Horse Adventure. Now, I legally can't say what I tested, but I can tell you this; it sucked more balls than the gay porn industry. And I worked all summer on it.

This was enough to drive a mime into talking. I was at my wick's end and I knew suicide was inevitable since walking 15 feet to the coffee machine was the high point of my day. You know how jerking off in the shower was Kevin Spacey's high point to the day in American Beauty? Yeah, that would have been eternal salvation compared to my day.

Anyways, That job brought in a lot of random people ranging from gothic to actual people. I became friends with this guy Jim there. He was a really funny guy, and I knew that we'd be better friends if we didn't have to watch our mouths around our co-workers. Anyways, with every good friendship comes a proxy friendship. Our proxy was this 95lb goth kid.

Let's call him "Dom."

One day (about 2 months into our project) I was so not into playing videogames that I wanted to invent a time machine, travel back to when I bought my first game, and stab the clerk with a gun. I was not in the mood at all. As I sat in my cubicle repeating the same move for an hour, I heard the following line come from Dom's area:

"I believe that in 100 to 200 years, we will have the technology necessary to move planets from our solar system into the sun in order to fuel it."

...

What I actually wanted to do to Dom.

Pat: What the fuck are you talking about?
Dom: Our sun is dying, we need to find a way to keep it alive.
Pat: What the fuck are you talking about?
Dom: I heard that our sun is dying. I am trying to think of ideas to help our planet. If the sun dies, then the planet dies. I am concerned.
Pat: What the fuck are you talking about?
Dom: I just told you what I am talking about! I wanted to...
Pat: What you are talking about is so far from logic it almost makes my balls sterile just sitting next to you. (Actual line, I am proud of that one.)
Dom: Far from logic? You don't understand.
Pat: I don't understand what? That we need to feed our sun planets? Where the fuck did you get that information? Who told you that the sun was a "planet eater?" And even if it was, which it isn't, wouldn't it be a common fact that we all know? In the 4,000 years of human civilization, wouldn't they have fed the sun planets by now? Are you Aztec? Are you going to rip my heart out and fead it to the sun? Your people used to do that you know. You are so fucking stupid I am actually sorry for you.
Dom: Don't belittle my beliefs!
Pat: BELIEFS?! Judaism is a belief. Hinduism is a belief. Fuck man, even Scientology is a belief. What you are saying is complete and utter bullshit that has no logical foundation and offers no intelligent thought.

Then I went to the coffee machine.

I was so pissed that I was actually shaking (and I was on my 13th cup of coffee). I had to ask my boss if I could go take a walk for 10 minutes.

I know I sound like a dick, but that triggered something in me. I don't understand how someone like that could actually function for survival. That was just one thing that he said. The guy must go home, take his cats out of the microwave and read "Moby Dick" backwards to them for an hour and 48 minutes at night, because that is what "keeps the ghosts away." Next thing you know he is showering in a wedding dress to wash his sins away. After that he is making a woman skin suit, doing the testy-tuck, and chanting "I'd fuck me" in front of the mirror.

As always Ghost Sandwich Adventure Clubbers, click the pics for secrets.

Thinking...

2006-04-12T16:25:00.000-07:00

First off: I have no clue what the update will be about tonight. So it will most likely be a personal story from me rather than a random post.

Second off: I will put an official Ghost Sandwiches gmail up tonight so all you idiots can email me when you want. That way you can stop emailing my school account.

Third off: Watch this music video. It is cool and danger.

One Block Radius - Loud and Clear
Directed by Keith Schofield.

Lizard Mohawks, Rubber Suits, and Dinosaurs! Oh My!

2006-04-10T10:25:00.000-07:00

We all have a guilty pleasure; some people are into covering themselves in rubber and being sealed off in a vacuum sex chamber. Other people feel the guilty pleasure of dressing up like a cartoon animal and jumping around with other cartoon animal costume people. I am kinda the same, but instead of being a complete freak, my guilty pleasure was the 90's sitcom "Dinosaurs" on ABC (more specifically, TGIF).

But unlike other guilty pleasures, it is hard for me to rationalize it. I really can't cope with the fact that I watched this show habitually, or why I woke up today and relapsed into even thinking about it. I spent a good chunk of money on counseling to convince myself that it was somewhat good and the writers should not be burned at the stake in a public enviroment.

This is not a just world however.

I am trying really hard to picture how the sales pitch for the pilot episode went: "Alright ABC, Jim Henson just died from the flu and now I got a warehouse full of puppets. We could do something useful with them such as auctioning them off for cancer research or, a time machine and a flu shot, or we could produce a show that is so shitty that it will not only tarnish his legacy, but legitametly piss of Americans in the process. Gentlemen, you say the word and I will give you the most stereotypical family of Dinosaurs you've ever seen. I'm talking a blue collar dinosaur father! A stay at home dinosaur mother! A jock-dino son who is hip and into dino-rap! And a daughter...Don't forget the baby! HEY! That's it! We could give the show a punch line! "I'm the baby!" Something that we can really beat into a dead dino-horse! It's perfect! We'll have an annoying baby that screams that he is, in fact, the baby! And why not have that baby abuse the father with random household objects? What's that? You're right, that was too far-fetched. Let's limit the household objects to just a frying pan. What's that? Give him a baseball bat? Fuck you Tim. How the fuck would a baby handle a baseball bat with its lack of upper body strength? Get the fuck out of here. We are talking about realistic things here, not your "baby dinosaur baseball bat" myth. COME ON! Anyways..."

The son on that show was such a time paradox. He had a mohawk (out of scales by the way) that was a popular trend in the late 1980's/early 1990's, he listend to rap music which was established around the same time, yet HE WAS A FUCKING DINOSAUR. He doesn't look like Marty McFly to me, so why would he have knowledge of the future? Who do the writers take me for? A 8yr old who watches TGIF every friday because I wanted to see Step-By-Step for a smallest possibility of masturbating to a shower scene with Suzanne Somers? Even if she is like 60 at the time? Well I wasn't, regardless of what anyone told you.

I mean, she was kind of hot, but she was older than my mom when that show aired. Wait, which one if she? The far left one? Yeah, that's right.

I am going to say this now; Dinosaurs spearheaded our nation's youth into raging idiots. MTV is a puppet designed by the Dinosaur's writing staff to be the fodder for activist groups. I'm not paranoid, but I am positive on this. That showed carried so many cursed elements that always lead to the death of the average sitcom; a punch line, a painfully stereotypical youth, and dinosaurs. It's like when Fonz jumped the shark; Happy Days KNEW that their show was going down the shitter. Fonzie could hit the jukebox so many times until he had to slap on waterskis, a leather coat, hot pants, and jump over a muthafuckin' shark. My point is this; Happy Days was a insanely huge show, they pull a stunt like that and still get cancelled. It makes you wonder why a show like Dinosaurs started with a shitty formula continued for 4 seasons.

God Dammit, Arrested Development didn't even get 4 seasons.

Don't Get Me Wrong; I Fucking Hate You.

2006-04-07T13:04:00.000-07:00

I really enjoy college.

It's the wonderful time in my life where the concept of "Alcoholism" doesn't appear in my vocabulary and girls are at peak slutness. Classes are okay too, and I enjoy most of them. But those "most" are my major related classes. See, at the University of Portland, we are on the semester system, and have to take a feces load of "core" classes to satisfy the overall requirements.

I am a Psychology major so I fit in the College of Arts and Sciences. All fine and dandy right? Wrong, that damn department has so many core classes I will be taking shit that doesn't pertain to my major well into my senior year. I have friends at a bunch of different colleges and they finished their core requirements their first day apparently.

My point is this; when I take classes that are not in my major, I have to deal with kids that are also NOT. IN. MY. MAJOR.

Get the idea?

It's not everyone that isn't in my major that annoys me, it's "that guy" or "that girl" even their fellow majors roll their eyes at. In Psychology, we have a few of them, but they just color our major up a bit. When I run into people that are nutjobs and cannot relate to at all I find myself actually hating them so bad that every time they exist I get annoyed. Here are just three students I deal with on a daily basis;

#1 - Zuit Suit Kid (Intermediate Spanish)
What's that?! You wear a Zuit Suit to class EVERY FUCKING DAY?! How can I even talk to you without the ladies fighting over your Thompson Twins? This kid looks like Morpheus would have if the Matrix was filmed in 1928. The sunglasses (in the basement classroom no less), the trench coat, the black Zuit Suit; this kid is a recipe for vagina and success. And the other thing that pisses me off is that he is way better at Spanish than I am, so when I can't even answer what I did on the weekend, he is translating "The Devil Wears Prada" for 3rd world countries. If he was an idiot, I could sit back and smile that his Zuit harnesses no power, but since that damn thing is the Progressive Era's battery for brains, I have to sit behind him and think of ways to defeat him. It's like when you're reading a comic book and some worthless villain has the upper hand on our hero; you don't want to read on because you know the villain is going to get away and appear like 10 issues later only to douche up the place with his douchery.

#2 - The Jesus Talker. (Biblical Traditions)
"I was sitting in my room one night... and there was a figure in the corner. I didn't know what to do, I just sat there. But I wasn't afraid! I knew it was Jesus! And it WAS! He came into the light and told me that I would get an A on my bio test on Friday. I don't know about all of you, but that was real, and Jesus is real!" ~The Jesus Talker.

I shit you not, that is an actual quote from this girl in my Biblical Traditions class. I am not religious at all, and I am all for people having their own beliefs. But beliefs are not facts. Jesus did not visit you and tell you that you'd get an A on a bio test. And even if he did, which he didn't, why the fuck would he tell you that?! If you got an F on your bio test would the anti-Christ rise up and engulf the world in fire, death, and darkness? Shit, I hope not. Let's hope Jesus goes one step further and is your study buddy next time. I hear he is super smart but is always late for study groups.

#3 - "I Am Not Funny" Guy. (Ethics)
This kid has wasted so much of my god damn time that he should be billed for my tuition. This kid will stop class and bust some random joke that is downright not funny at all. "Hey did you know that pirates love ARRRRRRby's?!" "You don't have to be a doctor to have patience!" "You know today is national ninja day, that's why I am dressed like a ninja to class!"

Stop.

I have never once laughed at one of your puns or visual gags. Remember the time that you fell in front of the teacher (during lecture) because you acted like the tissue box was an alien? Yeah, that was not funny at all. Every time you walk into class I seriously get upset. I just know that you will say something about my blog, myspace, or facebook to relate to me. Then you'll sit next to me and tell me about Family Guy or Futurama. Don't get me wrong; I fucking hate you.

Oops.

2006-04-07T12:51:00.000-07:00

My cyberspace travels have led me many places on the internet, and I am currently staying at 4chan's inn. Well, that was until I got slapped with a fat ban from their site. The reason I got banned is really what I want Ghost Sandwichers to read:
I thought it was funny...

AC Slater is a Dance God.

2006-04-06T11:35:00.000-07:00

AC Slater has been a lot of things to me throughout my life. But "lord of the dancing arts" has always remained consistent with his persona. I don't know about you, but those moves could end wars, famine, and celibacy. Below are just two clips of the awesome power he has harnessed in his hips. The man is a legend for many things, but he will always be remembered for his dancing.

Clip 1 - THOSE WACKY GUYS! LOL!

Clip 2 - Foreplay.

Good Thing You Are Small and I Am Not Afraid of You (The Legend of Kimbo).

2006-04-05T10:34:00.000-07:00

I believe that everyone was born for a specific reason; Jonathan Taylor Thomas was born to help me through puberty. Andy Dick was born to annoy everyone. Lincoln was born to get shot in the head. And Kimbo was born to do three things; be black, be scary, and kill people.

I know that most of you have seen at least one of these videos on the internets, but for those of you who haven't, and those that need to be refreshed on their "scary black men who kill people for a living" dose, this is for you.

These are all the known fight videos of Kimbo (AKA Punch/Slice), with Ghost Sandwich commentary.

Fight 1 - Kimbo fights a guy in his boxers and OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT DUDE'S EYE!

My roommate showed me this video about a year ago when I was about 16 deep in my Best Chest on a monday morning. As I sat in the front room watching "It Could Happen to You" I heard "FUCK THAT NIGGA! LET'S RUN THIS SHIT!" from down the hallway and I knew I had to watch it. I replayed it at least 90 times, each time focusing on THE PART WHERE THAT DUDE GETS HIS FUCKING EYE PUNCHED OUT. You can even hear the initial crack of Kimbo's fist to scary black man #2's eye socket at the beginning.

Fight 2 - Kimbo fights Future from 8 mile in a boat lot.

Kimbo is such a scary black man that he can just roll up in a H2, get naked, and fight a dude in a boat lot. As simple as that. It is almost as if Future and Kimbo got into an argument at a McDonald's and settled it in the boat lot a block down. Who picks where this guy fights? I know it is illegal, but maybe, just maybe, someone knows a guy who knows a guy who owns a gym.

Fight 3 - Future gets a rematch.

Kimbo accepts Future's rematch but wins again in the exact same way as last time. The only difference is that Kimbo is now Middle-Eastern apparently. But that's the beauty of Kimbo! He is so scary, and so black, that he can simply change his own skin color and build to fight anyone, anywhere, at any time!

Fight 4 - Kimbo vs Gannon.

I am not going to spoil what happens in this fight, but Kimbo loses. Yes, the knee to the face from Gannon was kind of cheap, but Kimbo slamming Gannon's back against a wall and almost breaking him in half was also cheap. As stated earlier, Kimbo is very scary and very black, so he destroys Gannon's face in the process of losing. The video is 10 minutes long, but it's worth every slow fps second it runs. Wait until the end to see how pretty Gannon becomes.

GHOSTSANDWICHES ADVENTURE CLUB GAME: Can you spot the following in the Kimbo vs. Gannon video:

A leather briefcase?
A party hat?
A frightened girl?
A Skinhead?
Blood?

Each item is worth 100 scare dollars! Good Luck Adventurers!

Only in New York.

2006-04-04T00:06:00.000-07:00

So my roommate went to New York this past weekend for school events and this picture came from his drunken adventures.

It is too good to keep to myself.

It's Raining Men...Or Boys?

2006-04-03T14:44:00.000-07:00

Every so often, something comes along on the internet that not only shocks you, but puts you in such an awe that you must share it with everyone. For me it started with tubgirl, progressed to "lightning bolt!", from there it went to Whistle Tips (sorry for the ebaum's link) and just recently was centered around the "lep ra con."

But something great has surfaced yet again, but this time in the form of a 13yr old boy named "Bill." I put quotations around his name because I am hoping that his father must have some respect for his son to make the executive decision to not use his real name while he sings "It's Raining Men" on national television. The video is obviously foreign, and if any Ghost Sandwich Adventure Clubber can figure out where from, they will be rewarded with 1,000 spooky bucks that can be exchanged for fright meats at the spooky deli.

Oh, and lastly, this video is 10 TIMES better to watch if you know that I am a raging homophobe.

Make sure you listen to him say "God bless mother nature!" after the first hook.

Oh, and tubgirl is nsfw, but if you didn't know that by now you should get off the internet.

Apparently I am homophobic.

2006-03-31T08:53:00.000-08:00

Oh you readers! You are so silly! Like this guy who posted this comment in the Red Ranger post:

"Anonymous said...
I've noticed a good chunk of your posts are rather homophobic. You seem to be an intelligent guy and you can have whatever opinion you want in all honesty, but i just find some of your stuff slightly offensive. I like gay bashing jokes just as much as the next hetero guy but in small doses. Having quite a few gay friends i feel obligated to make a statement here, seeing how often you mention gay in your blog makes me think you are either strongly against it or you're trying to validate your own masculinity. ultimately what i want to say is be careful what you say and do because everyone is human with feelings, even gays."

Oh dear, thanks Anonymous. without your insight I would be blind to my hate. You must be refering to this, this, and a little bit of this to support your argument. There is just one problem however; I read every single one of my posts (not to mention I wrote them) and I couldn't find any gay bashing of any sort. I never once used the term "fag" or "queer" or "man ass lover" to slander gays at all. If anything could be interpreted as "bash" it might be in the "it's not gay when..." list, at reason #100 where I refer to gay men as "tricky." Well, if being called "tricky" on a college student's blog is the gay community's biggest problem, then shit, I better stop.

Or,

I could keep doing what I do, and make posts about what is on my mind without your liberal-hippie bitching getting in my way. You might want to take that meany-head attitude over to those white supremacy blogs or the Christian blogs that demonize homosexuality and get off my blog that just pokes fun at everything.

Ghostsandwiches writer Pat brainstorming topics for his next post.

Here is how I view things: Gays are no more special than I am, so why should I shy away from a taboo topic just because I don't address it P.C.? Maybe I am just including them in the fun since I have also included myself, cosplay kids, ugly women, bad video games, bad movies, asians, washed-up acts, bad album covers, and porn cameramen in the fun thus far.

And for this. Well, I know I am right on that one.

Oh, and I have to throw the gay friend card in here, it is mandatory: My gay friends like my posts and think you're an idiot.

And to the ghostsandwiches action club; if you click the pic you get a super surprise! Be sure to use you decoder rings, action lovers!

No, I Wont Have Sex With You. The Hazards of Online Hookups.

2006-03-27T22:36:00.000-08:00

Ghostsandwiches is somewhat of a hit on the internets; ever since the "it's not gay when..." list, readers actually think I am interested in meeting them. Sure, I am interested in meeting people on the internet; but that does not mean that my penis is in business for its vagina/anal oil. The following are some of the pictures I have recieved (via email) requesting a "meeting" AKA hardcore deviant sex. Perhaps I am being a fool by not hooking up with these people, but hey, you be the judge:

Danka - Finland
Don't let these pictures fool you; Danka is a trainwreck of a woman. This lady has emailed me multiple times and each time sending me a new picture to report her progress into the downward spiral from female Steve-o to Heroin slut. I have two theories to why she could be emailing me:

Theory #1
This is really a "woman" named Danka, and she really wants sex with me. I can't blame her, sex with me is a diagnosed illness in most of Northern India. She has obviously been infected by this illness and is pursuing a sexual relationship.

Theory #2
"Danka" is actually a 14yr old autistic child who found these pictures on the internet and is emailing me viciously in an attempt to either a) solicit underage gay sex from me or b) drive me into insanity. Let's hope for a mix of A & B.

"Utada Hikaru" - Japan
A google image search showed me that Utada Hikaru was not this guy, but rather a quasi-attractive Japanese popstar. Don't get me wrong, I am into asians, but if they have a penis I tend to shy away. I almost wonder what kind of a relationship could of blossomed if I followed up on his email: Maybe he could have married me for a green card. Maybe we could have moved in together. And maybe, just maybe, I could have woken up to his beautiful body everyday for the rest of my life.

Pity.

Mike - Idaho Baby fetish! Where do I sign up? Retarded fuckheadopia? Fuck that. Seriously, what the hell did he think I was going to say?

Pat: Hey Mike, I saw your pictures on the internet. Thanks for reading Ghostsandwiches!
Mike: Baby wike your web site! Baby wuv u so much!
Pat: Jesus Christ. You're turning me on.
Mike: Baby poop all in his diapa! Baby messy! Me sowwy! *cries*
Pat: Oh yeah, keep going, you know how to hit all my 48 male adult baby fetish buttons.

I'd imagine that would be how the foreplay on our 4th or 5th date would go, but if I play my cards right I might make a move on the 3rd. Let's hope! Also, I think his devil-dog in picture #1 is enough to keep me away from Idaho itself.

SlipknotKid69 - Most likely the bible belt. You. Call me.

Greatest Fight Scene of All Time. Period.

2006-03-26T19:00:00.000-08:00

Hollywood is in dire need of a solid martial arts movie. Ever since "Ong Bak" there has be nothing that blows the audience away.

Like Sky High.

To ease all of our withdrawal symptoms from a solid ass-kicking, this clip has been brought to my attention. Watch it to the very end (the best part is at the end), but be warned:

It might be too awesome for you to handle. Are you a bad enough dude to handle it?

From the movie "Undefeatable," good luck finding it.

The Red Ranger

2006-03-22T20:53:00.000-08:00

Remember The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?

We all do.

Remember the original Red Ranger? His real name was Austin St. John. Guess what he is up to these days. If you said "gay porn," you get a gold star.

NOTE: I edited out the money shot. So sorry...I guess...

SideNoteNOTE: A lot of people say that it is an urban legend that he is a gay pornstar. That looks like the same guy to me.

At Least This Makes Sense

2006-03-21T22:39:00.000-08:00

Seriously, what the fuck is going on here?

This Cosplay Kid Will Destroy Us All

2006-03-21T20:13:00.000-08:00

Cosplay Exists for one simple reason; parents are just not doing their God damn jobs these days. There was once a time in this nation's great history when a man could slave away at his blue collar job all day, come home, drink himself into a coma, and beat his potentially gay kids. That was the 1950's, and apparently those morals have been tainted by hippies who are all for "equality" and "not beating children at all." Well hippies; look to the right picture, because that's what has come out as a result of your social reform. If that was my son I would send him off to his cosplay convention with glee, then move towns and erase any connection I ever had with him. Kids like that are not suppose to socialize, it's a cold hard fact of our society. Those kids are not suppose to have their hands on...girls? Is that a girl? Yeah, girls. They are suppose to be locked in a basement (by choice) and playing Hero's Quest with their entire group of friends (2-3). That statement is so very true and the hard evidence can be found in his crotch region (pun mildly intended). You can say I am being hard, you can say that he is just expressing himself and that this is a one-time thing. Maybe this is the only picture of him in Cosplay gear and that his teammates on the football team put him up to it after he lost a bet. That is a reasonable argument, but there is one problem with it:

He did it again.

And this time he brought his mother apparently. Imagine the apocalyptic fallout if he reproduced. All his genes must be dominate, so what you see is what he has to offer. Lets say hypothetically that he mates with that girl on the right; their kids will haunt my dreams, sending me into a defensive killing spree, and the only real crime is that I go to jail as a result. These cosplay conventions are the equivalent to a swinger's club; but instead of an orgy, there are just a bunch of pale anime fans walking around in latex. Picture that, then claw your eyes out.

Matter of Nation Security

2006-03-20T15:15:00.000-08:00

OH ASSHOLE OF ALL ASSHOLES! Ninjas? Fuck that. Have you ever fought a ninja? Judging by the fact that you are reading this and the fact that you are alive I would guess that you haven't. It isn't hype, realultimate power.net didn't lie; Ninja's are not only badass, but they are a matter of national security. Please refer to the national security handbook page 34 on how to deal with Ninjas. According the manual, the only way to defeat a ninja is to be blessed by a wizard. But in order for that blessing to be true, the wizard must be cast into a lake. If he floats, he is a witch and must be burned, but if he drowns, then your blessing is valid. After recieving the blessing you must travel to The Land of 10,000 Lakes. Once you arrive in St. Paul go to this bomb-ass bar on 46th called Johnny Red's. After getting fucked up proper, prepare for battle. Well, don't prepare, just grab a shiv and stab the air, because Ninja's come from every direction, so you best bet is stabbing air. If you manage to take down a Ninja you MUST, I repeat, YOU MUST burn the body and beat the ashes with a silver shovel. He might try to escape in the form of a snake or rat, so burn any nearby rats and snakes.

GOD DAMMIT! The Prime Minister too?! This time ruffians? Look, ruffians are not that bad. They are drunk 97.5% of the time, so a swift punch to the temple should take them down. But there is a the group effect; they travel in packs of at least 43. So, I advise finding them with 42 of your friends.

WHAT THE F...Wait, no one give a shit about Germany's economy. Don't worry about this one.

Time To Get My Shit Together

2006-03-20T01:59:00.000-08:00

All right, here is the deal; starting tomorrow I will be updating Ghost Sandwiches every monday - friday with some random post (like it's not gay when or Justin Guarini) and on Sunday I will post about my drunken adventures from the weekend. Sorry I have been slow to update, I have been super busy. All posts should be up by 9PM PST at the LATEST.

Until then, remember:

That is all.

News Flash!

2006-03-13T01:06:00.000-08:00

Guess what?

I am not Justin Guarini. That post was not made by Justin Guarini. It was made by me.

So the emails and comments telling me (or who you think I am) about how gay Justin Guarini is can stop.

-Pat

(P.S. How the fuck did you guys find my email?)

Hey America! Remember Me?

2006-03-09T19:35:00.000-08:00

Hey There! I'm Justin Guarini! Remember?! The original loser from American Idol! That's right! My peppy race-confused persona is back and I just want to let my "fans" know what I have been up to in the past 4 years. You see, its not easy losing the American Idol contest and being in the constant shadow to Kelly Clarkson, but I am more than sure that the next 15 years of my life will be a "learning experience" for me. I understand that my career and I need time to grow and come full circle, but in the words of my 8th agent; "America loves losers!" I know my post seems a little dated, but heck, you gotta start somewhere right? I am still as excited to be Justin Guarini as ever, and heck, I am sure that you are just as excited to hear from me! My career over the past 4 years has taken me around the world and helped me stay at 1/2 star motels! But the glass is more than half full my friends because Justin Guarini never says "never!"

My acting Career is really taking off! Look out George Clooney! LOL ROFL! J/K, J/K. I will never be as awesome as he is, but I will certaintely be up for more Oscars next year than he was this year. I have "in's" in Hollywood, and being the original American Idol loser really has it perks. Take for example my role as "customer #4" in the 2005 Box Office banger Tilt-A-Whirl. I really felt like I explored that role in depth and truly gave all fourth customers the respect that they deserve. In order to research that role (I am a method actor btw LOL), I always stood 4th in line! EVERYWHERE! LOL! I guess it is cookey and kinda odd, but you know what? My "fans" deserve that kind of attention and detail that only Justin Guarini could give.

I get asked A LOT "Hey Justin! Are you mad at Kelly?" And the answer is a big fat NO (with whipped cream on top! LOL). How could I possibly be mad at Kelly Belly? She is my everything! Heck sir, we even starred in From Justin to Kelly together! And MY name came first in the title. NOT HERS. How could I be mad at a self-centered whore who blows her way to the top? Never. I gave it my all and I can't be mad that I lost because I KNOW that America wanted ME, and NOT HER. I am well aware of my "fan" base and what they will do for me. So that answer to that question is NO. I am not mad at Kelly because I know that I am a better singer/person/woman than she will ever be. And she is just too cute to be mad at! LOL!.

So what does the future hold for Justin Guarini? Well, let me tell you, it holds 2 very important words; "Promise and Imagination!" I just started my own graphics lab and I make photoshopped imageNATIONs. The pic to the right is my own creation: It is my life partner (in the business) Paul giving everyone hope. If you are apart of my "fan" club, you know that I LOVE Unicorns, because I dare to dream! I know that my life is full of magic, and Unicorns are walking magic!. Besides my company, I am singing again, but I only get 15 minutes at my local bar every saturday, but I really make those 15 minutes count! Hope I see from you all in the future! Keep you spirits up! Because I do! ROFLMAO!

-Justin

Look What I Found...

2006-03-08T00:30:00.000-08:00

This COULD be the new ipod. (I stress could.) This is a "in progress" model that could be unveiled in a few weeks/months. It would be worthless to link to the website since it was just these pictures. Needless to say, this looks pretty far in development, and will most likely be the production model. (click pics for high res.)

"It's Not Gay When..." A Definitive Guide to When Homoerotic Moments Between Two Straight Males Is Not Actually Gay.

2006-03-05T22:32:00.000-08:00

Situation 194b: Seeing your roommate naked.
Reason It's Not Gay: These things happen! Relax and understand that living in close proximity to another male can and will lead to nude encounters.

Situation 64c: Being Teabagged while asleep and/or passed out in a public environment.
Reason It's Not Gay: In order for something to be truly "gay" it must be consented between two males. If you were passed out and balls rubbed (ever so gentley) on your forehead/cheeks/lips/eye sockets, it simply is not with your consent. Just lay back and let the testicles move and pulsate on your face and understand that is just isn't gay!

Situation 2i: Mistaking a transvestite for a hot girl.
Reason It's Not Gay: Rupaul was hot.

Situation 9297979Df: Thinking that you are making out with a girl in a cave waterfall when it is actually a guy who wants to make out with you.
Reason It's Not Gay: Once again, you failed to have Mens Rea which means that you were not guilty of the act. Hell, if I had a nickle for every time a dude pulled the ol' "trick pat to thinking your a girl in a cave waterfall rich environment so I can feel his tongue on mine" trick...well, I'd have $6.55

Situation 12: While playing "The Oregon Trail" you are deciding how many yokes you wish to buy and you end up making out with a guy.
Reason It's Not Gay: The "Oregon Trail" videogame blurs the lines between straight and gay. You simply continued to play the game in your mind when you crossed the border from "Ted's General Shop" to a guy's mouth.

Situation 100: Having completely consensual gay sex with another consenting gay man.
Reason It's Not Gay: This is tricky. If you find yourself in this situation you were most definitely tricked. But if you can admit that your 5 month gay sex romp with Emanuel was all a trick and that you are not in fact gay, then this is most certainly not gay.

Situation 456-v90: Circle-jerking around a Ritz Cracker and being the one to eat it because you were last to ejaculate.
Reason It's Not Gay: You were hungry. Enough said.

Situation 78: Starring in the prequel to "Brokeback Mountain," "Brokeback Mountain; Baby Geniuses."
Reason It's Not Gay: You are a Thespian! This is a great role to take. You will be co-starring with Yahoo Serious, the Aussie sensation, this is a career maker!

Ya'll Ain't Ready

2006-03-02T19:36:00.000-08:00

You can now cross off "see 4 Japanese girls and 1 Japanese transvestite sing the Czech 'Numa Numa' song in complete unison" off you things to do list. (The video is actually 3 songs in total, and Numa Numa is first up.)

Maeken Trance Project - Koi no Maiahi (Banzai)Click pic for link.

The Gayest Human Being in Existence

2006-03-02T02:20:00.000-08:00

I know in my heart I am not wrong on this one.

I Can't Make These Up

2006-02-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

So I am writing a Criminology paper and, of course, I start dicking around on the internet. As a result I find the most amazing CD covers ever. I have seen bad CD covers before, but these really top anything you can imagine.

The Handsome Beasts - Beastiality
It is hard to pinpoint what is more disturbing here; the morbidly obese naked man? The smiling pig? Or a idea that both of them will be fucking on the insert?

Boxer - Below the Belt
When I think rock I think of two things: The first being naked Giesha type 80's women, and the second being fisting. This CD cover makes me wonder what they told that model about that shoot. Was being fisted by Spalding glove really a "career launcher" for her?

Francisco y Fernando - Vamos a La Playa"Vamos a la playa" loosely translates to "let's go to the beach," but many scholars agree that the literal translation is "Follow the raging homosexual father/son duo to the beach of passion, social deviance, and dilated assholes."

Abba - Gracias Por La MusicaWas it a prerequisite in the 80's that you had to be ugly as sin and a registered sex offender to be a popstar? It appears to me that is the case. Also, if you look at the picture from the waist down, it is very difficult to spot which ones are the men.

Paddy Roberts - Songs for Gay DogsSpeaking of gay dogs, here is an album dedicated to them. You gotta hand it to him, Paddy really thinks outside of the box on this one. His follow up, "Male on Male Ferret Fucking Jamboree and Sing-A-Longs" didn't sell as well as this one, but it was a more mature album.

Merrie Mann - Push Push
Long has the mastery of the flute been mislabeled as "dorky," "soft," and "not sexual in any way, shape, or form." But Merrie Mann breaks down the walls of these stereotypes and proves that the flute is once agian sexy. He also makes all the skeptics eat their own words who said that bears can't play the flute.

Scorpions - LovedriveRemember when you got gum stuck in your hair as a kid? This is just like that, but instead of hair, it is a woman's tit, and instead of gum its a horrible sexually transmitted skin disorder where women melt and fail to notice it.

Mike Crain - God's PowerGod's power truly is an amazing thing. But it where he chooses to use it that is a spectacle. God forgoes worthless matters such as famine, injustice, and war and projects all 500MP into Mike Crain. See, Mike is so amazing that he is the "karatist preacher!" spreading the word of God; six bricks at a time.

The Handsome Beasts - HB04A naked fat guy, a nun in a thong, a pig eating sand, an underage girl, and a dog with a huge head, ALL in a CG rich environment! Finally! An album cover that makes sense!

Larz Kristerz - Stuff Party 1There is something about this album that is so familiar to me...

Almost like I have a personal connection of some sort to it...

A haunting mistake from my past...

No! It can't be!

MONGO NO! I BUILT YOU FOR GOOD!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Pooh-Man (MC Pooh) - As Funky As I Wanna Be"Pooh-Man" looks an a lot like that Shaq guy, and we all know how much Shaq love cunninglinguis. I also admire the use of protective eye wear. Great safe sex.

Richard & Willie - Funky Honkey, Naster NiggerThis album cover says one thing with pride: We truly live in the land of the free. By the lady holding up the American flag, she is expressing her 74th amendment right; Freedom to blow a black guy in a bow tie while he holds interracial puppets. God Bless America.

Osama aint takin my freedoms.

"Good Idea/Bad Idea" Guy is an Albino Burn Victim and a Danger to Society

2006-02-27T00:14:00.000-08:00

The popular animated kids show in the mid-90's named Animaniacs featured a wide variety of short clips to break up the monotony of Yakko, Wakko, and Dot. One of these clips was refered to as "Good Idea/Bad Idea," which featured an albino (which pisses me off) burn victim (which pisses me off more) who remained nameless:

The whole premise of this segment was to inform the target audience (6-13) how to not be a worthless piece of shit excuse for a human. Each individual clip ran only for 25-30secs and had two versions of a situation; one being a "good idea" and the other being a "bad idea."

The problem was that the bad ideas were so outlandish that they surpassed the realm of humor and were not only hauntingly disturbing, but also made me think if this nameless piece of shit should even be allowed in public.

Here are some of his adventures that could be found on yourtube.com:

Roses

Halloween

Skiing

Breakfast in Bed

Kitty Litter

As you can see, this guy is clearly a danger to society. Grabbing roses? Beaten to death by children? Skiing during summer? Tennis balls to the face? Fondling cat shit? What kinda of morals were my generation subjected to?

My Mom Thinks I'm Gay

2006-02-26T19:36:00.000-08:00

Whatever happened to the idea that only a mother could love her child in such a nonjudgmental fashion? Where are those mothers? Where are the mothers who take their son's word for it when they ask if they are gay?

Find me one, we'll barter.

It was junior parent weekend this past weekend and my parents were going to stop by Saturday morning to wake me up and take me to all the super fun activities that my university had "planned."

Let me back up.

Friday night my roommate Subaru and I went out to dinner with my parents and they kept joking that we were such a cute couple (being that I don't have a girlfriend and he drives a Subaru, so we were primed for gay jokes). After dinner, Subaru and I went to a party at our friend's house (since I am the majority shareholder in the tap they needed apparently*).

Fun party, Subaru, Wimp, and I are all taking Jell-O shots left and right, I am doing keg stands, Subaru is downing keg cups and we are getting drunk as a side-effect. Next thing I know I am ballroom dancing with some girl in the living room and being tossed Tecate cans as a reward.

Also worth noting: Wimp pranked my best friend AIDS on the phone for a solid half hour, saying she was me, something about a sex change, Europe, and "Shevra" (you can't find better than that).

Anyways, needless to say, Subaru and I are TOP FUCKED, most likely in our top 10 of all time. And once the party is dying down we decided to waddle home, watch some badass movie and pass out (separately).

We accomplish the walk home part, but we end up watching some video I found on the internet called "Fear of Girls." It basically is a short film that chronicles the adventures of two D&D fanboys.

They're gay by the way.

We just pass out in the middle of the video but I manage to pause it on this frame:

I wake up around 4AM, ignore my mildly to spicy homosexual freeze frame, take off my clothes, and pass out.

I also fail to notice the massive dick etched in from my neck to my mouth by an anonymous pranker.

Then my mom wakes me up, sees the cock on my face then notices the picture above and starts to question me about my sexuality. All as I scrub the giant cock off my face.

Mother: "So, why haven't you had a girlfriend for the past year?"
Pat: "..."
Mother: "Just wondering."
Pat: "Mom, I'm not gay if that is what you are wondering."
Mother: "That is not what I am asking, although I would be fine if you were, I am open!"
Pat: "MOM!"
Mother: "You always talk about Brokeback Mountain."
Pat: "MOM! I make jokes about that movie! I am not gay!"
Mother: "I just want to let you know I am fine with gays."

The weekend ended and my mother still wondered if I was gay, treating me like her closet gay son that just need that little extra push to get out, open, and star in "Brokeback Mountain 2: Cowboys in Jamaica."

Well...Maybe if I get a decent screenplay.

*I don't own a tap

Pat Loses His Virginity; Ends up at a Veterinary’s Office

2006-02-23T17:26:00.000-08:00

I once knew a girl who asked me if I could do anything normal in my life. That is, can I accomplish a single task without some sort of random event coming out of it? Ask any of my friends, they will confirm that I can’t even go to the store without seeing a crack head/getting yelled at by a homeless guy/being asked to kick someone in the nuts/etc. With that said, it is no wonder that a milestone in my life will be shrouded in embarrassment and hilarity (for you, not for me).

There is an old saying; “you never forget your first time,” well, mine is no exception. I am not really the best at remembering all my “first times.” I don’t remember when I got to 1^st base (Melanie, the half Asian girl from my 8^th grade class in the back of “It’s a Beautiful Life” at a noon showing on Saturday), or 2^nd base (same movie different showing a week later), nor even when I got to 3^rd base (Melissa, parent’s bathroom). But I will never forget the travesty that was my first homerun.

In high school I was severely influenced by South Park. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t go around quoting it; I just felt that what was said on that show was the truth and should be followed accordingly.

That was stupid of me.

Anyways, I was watching South Park one day and the whole episode was about sex. The boys were scared by Sexual Awareness Class (SAC) into thinking that they would get a STD. At the end of the episode everyone asks Chef what the right age to first have sex is, and without hesitation Chef replies “17.”

He makes it very clear that 17 is the right age to lose your virginity.

17Pat: “My God, I am 17… and my 18^th birthday is 2 months away! I have to call my girlfriend!”

Now, I can be sly, I can be an idiot, and sometimes I don’t even know what cards to play. But I KNEW that I couldn’t call my girlfriend and tell her that we need to start having sex because a cartoon told me to. So I decided to not say anything and see if fate would play for my penis.

Things were going good with Mexican and I felt like we had a positive relationship. She was pretty adamant about NOT having sex until marriage, which was an issue for my penis, but I dated her for other reasons.

Weeks went by and I really tried to put on the best boyfriend face I possibly could. Flowers, dates, and anything that could work in my favor with her. I forgot about wanting to have sex with her because our relationship was so great.

Then my 18^th birthday rolled around.

Since it was my birthday I of course got the birthday hookup from my girlfriend. When we were finished, she went to the bathroom and I had a one and one with my penis.

Now18Pat: “Hey buddy.”
PatPenis: “Don’t ‘buddy’ me asshole.”
Now18Pat: “What?!”
PatPenis: “We had a deal, before 18!”
Now18Pat: “Oh come on! We’re a team!”
PatPenis: “No, I am never speaking to you again!”
Now18Pat: “Penis! Wait!”

Then it was silent. I knew from that moment forward my best friend would never speak to me again.

But fate is an interesting mistress, because she mended that friendship 4 days later:

I was at Mexican’s house and we were fooling around, then it kind of… happened.

To be honest, I didn’t even realize I lost my virginity.

Then grandma came home.

Now, Mexican’s grandma was a sweet old lady that carried her Jack Russell Terrier around with her everywhere. She decided to have a grand old time trying to scare me and Mexican by barging into her room.

Yay.

Mexican’s grandmother practically kicked the door down when the smile on her face transformed to utter disgust as my pale white ass lay before her eyes.

Not many guys I know can say that they looked a 1^st generation in the eyes while having sex with the 3^rd generation, but I am one of them.

Amazingly, Mexican’s grandma was surprised, threw her arms up and straight Michael Vick’ed the dog into the wall.

After the dog hit the wall, I hit the floor, Mexican hit the closet and the grandma went screaming down the hall.

At least that wasn’t awkward or anything.

I am in a pickle; I am naked with an erection, on my left is a shocked girlfriend, and on my right is a concussed dog.

Decisions.

I race to the dog and see if it is even alive. Breathing is good, but I am positive that dogs don’t come standard with broken bones. It looks like this dog has 3 broken legs and two broken ribs.

Yay penis, look what you caused.

Mexican has her clothes on about this time and she is running downstairs to talk to her grandmother while I try to rap the dog up in something.

Now that the dog is in a blanket I realize that I am holding a dog in a blanket... Naked. This would look really awkward if the grandmother came back in. I am a lot of things, but “dog fucker” isn’t one of them.

I toss on what I can find, which happens to be Mexican’s sweats and sweatshirt. Which means that I am now in ass-tight girl clothes, no underwear, and a dying dog in one hand.

Simply stunning pat, you did great.

I walk downstairs knowing that every step I take is closer to the lecture I will be getting from the grandmother. I enter the kitchen and I get “the look.” It is a look that most men dread because you know that the person giving it KNOWS what you did, and you can’t worm your way out of it.

But before she can get a “You deflowered…” out she notices the dog.

OldWoman: “AHIA! JESUS CHRIST! WHAT DID HE DO TO YOU?!”

Whoa whoa whoa… Did?! Lady, you fucking threw this toy dog into a plaster wall. I didn’t DO anything except hump your granddaughter.

Of Course I couldn’t say this, so I immediately say the two words that pop into my head that not only show that I am nervous but revert me back to a caveman:

GirlClothesPat: “Dog hurt.”

Wow, good job pat, you really got it all out there.

The grandmother doesn’t miss a beat and completely forgets that I was fornicating with her only granddaughter 5 minutes ago and demands that I get in the car with her and take Ahia to the Vet’s office. The next thing I know I am in the car with the grandma (Mexican is not there) driving to the Vet’s office.

Now I have had awkward car rides before (just broken up with the passenger, pissed off the driver, been witness to a pissed driver and passenger couple) but nothing could possibly prepare me for the following 15 minutes in that BMW.

OldWoman: “I trusted you Patrick Zerr”

COOL! She used my full name.

GirlClothesPat: “I am sorry, I wasn’t expecting…”
OldWoman: “Wasn’t what Patrick? For you to ruin my family tree?”
GirlClothesPat: “No, not that. It’s just…”
OldWoman: “Just what? That you wanted to get my granddaughter pregnant so you could live off my money for the rest of your pathetic life?”

God damnit, I am never having sex again.

We arrive at the Vet’s and I take a seat (in female sweatpants) right next to the door incase I need to sucker punch this walking guilt trip of a lady and escape in her car.

After an hour of being the cannon fodder for recreational sex I am pretty much deemed a horrible person and a “snake” by the grandmother.

So there I sit, in girl clothes, broken dog in hand, being yelled at by an old lady.

Fuck Sex.

Ahia ended up having 13 broken bones and I got the big ban from Mexican’s house for the remainder of our relationship, although we did date for 6 more months after that. I guess first times are supposed to be special, and I guess mine was, but not in the way I wanted it to be.

The MD 20/20 Party

2006-02-19T22:56:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: The good folks over at Collegehumor.com have put a video of the next morning on their site.

I often find myself saying the line “I am never drinking again” following a night of excessive drinking. By entering a proper noun into that sentence I know I had an extremely special adventure. I have only put two products into that sentence; one being a popular malt liquor and the other being a certain potent alcohol that says clear.

I can add one more now.

Known primarily to black males between the ages of 19-34, MD “Mad Dog” 20/20 is a fortified wine that not only kicks you in the ass, but proceeds to rape relatives in front of you and ruin your credit as a result.

I can honestly say that I don’t know anyone (besides myself) that has cracked the sweet quasi-brass seal on one of these bad boys and enjoyed the taste. Maybe I don’t have the sensation of taste, or maybe I am a raging alcoholic spiraling downward towards future family and self destruction, but I can drink those melted liquor Popsicles like it is going out of style.

The only problem is that Mad Dog is only found in the ghetto, a serious ghetto. I am from a small hick town in Washington, and we don’t even have it there. I thought for sure that the white trash wiggers outside Arco summoned Mad Dog, but it goes much more ghetto and much blacker than that to conjure up MD 20/20.

Fun Facts:
The “MD” stands for Mogen David.
NO ONE knows what “20/20” means, not even Mr. David himself.
It comes in a rainbow of flavors, such as “Bling Bling Blue Raspberry” and “Orange Jubilee”

Not-So-Fun Facts:
It is the devil.
It has most likely contributed to, if not spearheaded, the decline of black in inner city projects.
The “variety” of flavors pretty much tastes the same; you are either getting “cream” flavors or “fruit” flavors.
It comes in cream flavor.
I can assure you it is the devil.

I was up in Seattle two weekends ago, and during this excursion my roommates did the unspeakable; they planned a Mad Dog party.

Now I am just a humble male college student; I study, sleep, play videogames, drink, and get the occasional blow job.

But I am at least rational.

A “Mad Dog” party is not only the equivalent to a séance in a cemetery on Halloween, but it is downright dangerous. The following is a list of individual actions that have resulted from drinking Mad Dog:

1) The shitting of pants on 21^st birthday.
2) Passing out in a lawn.
3) Attempting to fight two police officers.
4) Instructing the 7/11 guy to “pull the dick out of his ear and sell me beer.”
5) Being a Hasidic Jew and denying that the Holocaust happened (that was a good one to witness).
6) Cat kicking.

Guess which one is mine, keeping in mind that I am not a pant shitting/cat kicking Jew.

Now, imagine each one of those as a different person, so you can see 6 drunken assholes. Now, imagine a whole house full of those.

NO GOOD CAN COME FROM A MAD DOG PARTY.

Uh oh.

I guess it was on; all I could do was await the onslaught of drunken girls/guys flying at me from all directions.

But something happened; someone prayed right, a goat was sacrificed correctly, corporal punishment was administered to someone’s penis before the party; because the Gods of Drunkenness were smiling upon our house. It was honestly the best party I had been to awhile. People were everywhere, the house was packed, and Mad Dog was flowing like the salmon of Capistrano.

All was right in the world of Pat.

Being that I was having a good time, I completely forgot that Mogen was 13% alcohol, because I downed 3 of these. My drunkenness reached a new peak and I completely forgot how to walk, move my elbows, and speak in English above a 2^nd grade level, identify household items, comprehend reason, and most importantly; stay conscious.

After about 7 hours of partying with an MD in hand, I knew I had one thing to do: Watch Total Recall.

Jesus fucking Christ that movie is fucking sweet. Arnold basically kills everything and it really makes you think. However, since I can no longer process information, I am merely sitting alone in my room calling every guy shot by Arnold a “fagget.”

I don’t know why, maybe I thought the guys could hear me, I mean, Arnold was in Last Action Hero, and that was an interactive movie. So maybe my thought process was that if I tossed in that extra “fagget,” in there ShotGuy would feel a little worse about coming at Arnold.

After a good hour of this I was out. The next thing I remember was waking up to these guys beating me with my Juggling clubs. It’s my fault I guess, I am a 21 year old with juggling clubs.

Out again.

After that, I woke up to being written on by a group of other males.

Now, either my room is the Mecca for gay sex or these fuckers are shaming me in my own bed. Are my shoes off? Hell yes. Am I in my own bed? Hell shit yes. They are breaking the cardinal rules of “hitting up.”

Who would do that?

And that was the last thing I remember. I woke up the next morning with a hangover that rivaled a gunshot wound to the temple, looked at myself in the mirror, and noticed the most detailed cock I have ever seen (next to my own) on my check in lovely Sharpie color. I took a sigh and said with complete honesty:

“I am never drinking Mad Dog again.”

Farwell Mogen David, I will miss thee in my veins.

An Open Letter to All Porn Cameramen

2006-01-30T16:59:00.000-08:00

Being a single 21yr old with the sex drive of a rabbit on Viagra, herbal tea, and a porn stash I found in the woods when I was 9, I am constantly troubled by an anomaly in the adult entertainment business.

This problem transcends photographs and erotic literature and rears its ugly head in the video aspect of this industry. I admire your career choice; you have helped me become the raging sex fiend I am today, but your technique and choice angles are damaging my psyche every day.

Blame can be bestowed upon the editor who ultimately has final say on what goes into these films, but the footage originates from you, oh brave cameramen.

To clarify, I am talking about your deep genetically intertwined homosexual decision to focus more on the male(s) than the female(s). If you shoot all gay films or (openly) bisexual ones, this letter does not apply to you. But to those of you who work in the man & woman industry, I inform you now as a straight male; I do not enjoy masturbating to men.

Hi! My name is Johnny Uterus Killer! You'll be masturbating to me and not my Uterus killing today.

Let’s begin with some of your angles:

The overzealous zoom in on the pumping male ass.
I understand that he is porking the shit out of her, but why do I need to understand this from behind? When you are zoomed in on bumpin uglies from behind the male to female ass percentage is roughly about 86% (M) to 14% (F).

In hindsight, all I am really seeing is a man’s ass/asshole/balls/taint/back/legs/feet and just female legs. Respecting that I do not have a fetish for this spectacle; I am at a stalemate with my penis and your product. And it is hard for me to become uncomfortable when I am alone, but I can honestly say that angle makes me look around like I am being stared down by a naked homeless guy at the bus stop. Why not a side view? Or a front view? Explore your vocation; experiment with the room space!

“Hey! This girl is getting naked!”
Naked women. We’ve all seen them, yet each time they expose their breasts men get excited. I am no different; I will sucker punch a 7yr old girl in a wheelchair if she is standing in my way of a naked woman. However, when I am watching porn I am in the disillusion that I am the only one seeing this. This actress I am watching is performing for me and only me. When you are filming a scene, and the sexy starlet starts to take off her top, DO NOT, I will repeat that, DO NOT TURN TO SOME RANDOM GUY TO SEE HIS EXPRESSION. This happens way too much in the “reality” porn genre.

Assume for a moment that I am masturbating, and maybe I decide that it is my time to skeet when her top comes off (it was a long day), and you flip the camera to some red-faced “18” year old kid giving the thumbs up for boobies; I might sue. Straight males have two all important fantasies they live by: (1) 2 chicks at the same time & (2) Not busting to a guy giving thumbs up. Hell, I don’t even know if proud gay men want to ejaculate to “thumbs up guy.”

This guy is having a better time than you.
All right, I will be the first of your customers to admit this to you: I am the one alone in his room playing with himself and the male actor is having a way better time than me. Hopefully this confession that I share with the rest of your audience will let you move on from taunting me with prolonged shots on the male’s face. The last two problems I addressed with your craft have involved women, this focuses purely on male leads. The decision to show a man (commonly in the climax) is annoying and just flat out needs to stop.

Maybe I can understand if you get surprise attacked by a wolf, drop the camera during your struggle and it “accidentally” films the climax face of the guy for 30 straight minutes, but that is never the case. You actually rotate and zoom in on the guy’s face, a decision that has plagued my sins for years now:

Why would you choose to film that? Why do I need to see that? What if I decided to sync my orgasm with his to simulate “being there?” What then? I climax to a guy’s climax face? Fuck that. You take you’re $30-$50 MSRP back, I’ll buy a mirror.

I ask you now, oh brave cameramen, in this time of dire need for my penis; please, stop your current customs and explore new techniques. I am sure that you have full creative control on what you shoot and how you shoot it, so think outside the box! You must be rational now, you must understand our plight. We are but mere heterosexual men masturbating to your decisions. We do not ask for land, nor for penance. We ask only that you, oh brave cameramen, give us a chance to masturbate without curiosity and enjoy naked women as they were met to be: not with a dude in the way.

With love and respect,
Your customers

Shitty Coffee Mod

2006-01-29T22:29:00.000-08:00

Awesome music video about the worst video game in history. Song isn't that bad either. Click me.

Cooool is the new blue

2006-01-29T16:40:00.000-08:00

I can't remember a weekend that I woke up sober and feeling all right.

My intentions are pure; I just want to have fun and socialize with my peers while consuming barrels of liquor in the process. But my outcome never rewards my good intentions. I am punished for my night of fun as my head spins and pounds for hours the next day.

Much like getting fucked in the ear.

Saturday was no exception. According to the last post, I passed out with my hand in a Neon Gummy Worm bag.

I awoke Saturday around 4am confused as fuck. I am on the couch in the living room and in a wet rain jacket. How the hell did I manage that? I try to piece together the night and eventually figure it all out an hour later.

Took some annoying girls home and passed out.

Welp, good job Pat, it took you an hour to arrive at that conclusion.

Nothing much happened during Saturday day, Joe, Evan, Aids and I just recovered and at some food.

Colin notified us that there is an "Office Ho & CEO" party tonight. Hmmmm, let's see: Beer? Check. Get to wear a suit? Check. Hot drunk women in extremely slutty gear? Checkmate. Why wouldn't I go?

People always tell me that Halloween is the one day a year girls get to dress up slutty. Bullshit, girls always theme their parties slutty so they can show off their true sides. Even a Wizard of Oz party here had some sexy Tin Women. Let's recap the theme's of the parties that I have gone to recently and try to imagine how easily they can be slutted up:

Anything But Clothes Party
Superhero & Villains Party
Wizard of Oz Party
Porn star Party
Pirates and Winches Party
Office Ho's and CEO's

Not only is the slutdometer pushing red in public decency standards for all of these, but I could go as a superhero, a tin man, a cable repair guy, a pirate, and a CEO! College truly is a mix of that costume box you find as a kid in the attic and a strip bar.

Anyways, I am Pat Zerr, so my suit needs to be up to par.

Goodwill gives me this suit of wonders. This thing was a taupe plaid suit.

Wow.

I am ready to do this. Let's all discover alcohol!

We pull up around 10'ish right after Aids and I win two games of beer pong, and this party is packed. We are greeted at the door by the standard "I don't live here but my girlfriend does so don't fuck her or the place up" guy, abide by his rules and locate the keg.

5 dollars for a fucking cup?! This girl has got to be kidding me. I pay three dollars saying that I will give her the other two tomorrow. Normally I wouldn't, but she was hot and in a corset, it's my kryptonite.

Aids and I split a cup because we're super cool and cheap like that, great CEOs we are. We meander there for awhile then I gotta go take a piss. I head upstairs were I bump into CCP. He is pretty mashed, but that’s CCP. We are waiting in line and I start talking to Uglygirl.

Now, Uglygirl is with Hotgirl, but Hotgirl is in the bathroom. I did not know this and immediately transfer conversation from Uglygirl to Hotgirl. CCP starts to talk to Uglygirl. They hit it off.

Hotgirl pulls me into a room because she wants to take pulls of JD with me, but told her friends she could drink the whole fifth herself.

That's smart.

I am drinking with Hotgirl and I immediately notice that this girl is prolly the best dressed slut here. She went all out on her outfit, complete with a pearl necklace. Pun intended. I pull the best "in" line ever and comment on her shoes. She buys it, so she breaks down the whole outfit for me.

$140 dollars for the whole outfit?! I got this taupe marvel for 20 bucks.

She did have stockings and a nice pair of boy shorts on, so that was most likely the brunt of the cost. I look back and CCP is still beer goggling it up with Uglygirl. I continue to talk to Hotgirl for another 20 minutes and she grabs me to go downstairs and play beer pong.

Stairs? Baby, we just drank half your fifth, stairs are a tall order.

She rushes down the stairs and I waddle them. I lose her, this place is packed to the absolute brim now and I am alone in a sea of Goodwill suits and thongs. Aids notices me and pulls me into the room where Joe and Evan are. He is kinda mad I left him for a 30-45mins.

Joe has modified a lighter to burn with the wraith of Satan and he is showing it off to a group a people. This thing is seriously going about a foot high when lit. I wanna see it work but fail to remember that fire burns flesh and almost take my eyebrows off.

My next move was out of character for me, I decided it was time to go. I don't know why. I wasn't mad, I was having a great time, Hotgirl still was in a 30 foot radius, why would we leave? I have no clue, but we did.

We somehow all connect on some weird homosexual frequency and meet outside without really talking about leaving. My roommate is now that "I don't live here but I know a girl who does so don't fuck her or this place up" guy and he wants us to get off the property because we are too loud. Understandable, but why is he NOT in a suit?

Asshole.

About 20 feet from the front lawn I see a woman peeing in the bushes, 10 feet closer I notice it is a guy in a woman's suit, 5 feet away, it's my other roommate Kirk. Yay! Now we can all follow the yellow brick road home together.

I get this great idea to go to my friend Regina and Gina's house. I fail to understand that they are attractive girls with social lives and it is Saturday night. The chances that they would be there are as likely as me scoring with a black girl.

We bust into their hours yelling the line "Cooool!" (The way we yell it is much like an alarm going off; it is quiet at first then loud at the end and said really fast. Needless to say it is annoying a fuckall.)

After yelling "Cooool!" in the living room for about 5 minutes we notice the other roommate Ashley is asleep and up in her room.

"Cooool!"

We run up to inform her of our intoxication and Kirk breaks a wine glass.

God Dammit Kirk. Can I take you anywhere?

We annoy Ashley for a solid 30 minutes and decide we need to move out, the night is adolescent and there are Mad Dogs to be consumed.

Walking down the street we meet up with about 12 freshmen walking home.

"Coooool!"

Here we come.

We start walking with them, MaternitySuit is playing "Planet Rock" by Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu Nation on his speaker phone while we yell "Cooool!" and walk 8 blocks with these kids. We finally arrive back at the house and it is time for more beer pong.

But before we go in I notice the house next to us is having a party. Being drunk I disregard two key components to my downfall at this party: I am white, and I am not taking my shoes off.

There is an interesting thing about Hawaiians; if native (which my neighbors are) they HATE white people, and they always take their shoes off. I respect that, they stick together and like clean houses. But I got a taupe plaid suit to show off.

Priorities.

I bust in the house and track mud EVERYWHERE. Whatever, Hotgirl2 is right by the kitchen. We talk and I make jokes for about 5 minutes, then I decide that the taupe plaid suit MUST be seen by more people, but I also notice that I am getting a lot of looks. I am in choosing my own adventure; do I go to page 394 and walk out the front door? Or do I show off more of the taupe plaid suit while tracking more mud through the house and go out the back door on page 36?

Page 36 it is.

This upsets the big guys who make a comment about my suit, whiteness, and the mud. They hit every nerve there. Fuck it, I am not going to get in a fight with a Hawaiian, they outnumber me and scare the shit out of me. I keep moving out the backdoor and notice that Evan is talking shit to the Hawaiians.

I grab his silk suit and pull him out, FUCK fighting Hawaiians. Evan then informs me that he could take them. But Evan does not realize that if you fight one you fight them all. I've seen it; it's honestly kind of disturbing.

We go into my house and notice a wonderful surprise

There are about 20 freshmen in my house PLAYING beer pong! Who the fuck are they?! Where the fuck did they come from?! No matter, I use the "I live here get the fuck off of my table" rule. Kind of harsh, but I win.

After that we all played beer pong until things fizzled out and we passed out.

Mad Dog, Beer Pong, and Snack Attacks

2006-01-29T15:25:00.000-08:00

I get pretty excited when people come to visit me. Not because I am an insecure girl who needs constant reassurance that I am important enough to be traveled to, but mainly because it gives me a chance to showcase the train wreck of drunk I am to new people.

This weekend celebrated the arrival of my Seattle friends down here at University of Portland. Aids and Evan were the usual suspects like always but our friend Joe managed to do something with his life and come visit us for a change.

Friday night; Kirk I are 6 games of beer pong and two Mad Dogs deep and my roommate/opponent Colin is in his usual "fuck Pat's mom" stages. Since I can no longer process vowels, comebacks are not an option.

Much like the whore my mother apparently is I am just taking his attacks all night.

Oh well, it's actually pretty funny, I was not aware that my mother was such a whore/roller skater/ball catcher, but at least I now know where I got it.

Ding Dong, Adam rolls in with two Mad Dogs, now my drunkenness can really get going.

Adam is pretty drunk, so I naturally give him the keys to my car. I don't support drunk driving, but it was raining heavily and I'd rather Adam risk going to jail and ruining his life at the expense of my dryness.

Smart move Pat.

Somehow we manage to get home amidst the onslaught of Satan's piss that Portland anal fucks down on us during the winter. It pretty much sucks prison cock; it doesn't snow here, it is cold enough to, it just rains.

Anyways, things are swirling now and I am trying to locate alcohol. I grab myself one of those energy drinks with alcohol in it because I am a woman and need my liquid creamsicile.

Now I have seen commercials that have ridiculous premises and laughed like everyone else. But when I cracked that can of "Tilt" I was in one of those.

The moment the sweet seal cracked on that can of “Tilt,” music instantly came on and 20 people rolled in the front door ready to party.

What the fuck? I need to drink this more often.

Things are the way they should be; I am the center of attention playing beer pong, life cannot get better.

Wrong. The Seattle boys are here.

After the ambiguously homosexual greeting, Aids and I are playing beer pong.

Do I ever play this game?

Heidi and Maria are there with us. They are pretty annoying yet really fun at the same time. This makes them neutral to most people, but I am just annoyed. I start ripping into Maria for the most obvious defect; Asian.

My response to anything she says is "What? I don't speak Chinese." I guess it isn’t working because she is actually laughing at it.

God Dammit.

Maria decides she wants to knock me off my pedestal and take the attention away from me by standing on a chair and dancing. The gods of popularity are not pleased with this pseudo coolness so they smite her as she comes crashing down onto the kitchen floor.

HOLY SHIT! MY CHAIR!

That bitch broke my chair! I've had those chairs since I was a kid. I grew up on those, I've played action figures on those, I've ate food on those, I've busted a nut on those chairs! I am pretty heated and Aids also seems more concerned about the chair then the fact a 5'3" half Asian girl just landed on her spine.

Keep in mind that I was wasted, so my attention is that of a goldfish; it starts over every 5 minutes. She landed at about 4:39 in my 5 minute attention cycle, so 21 seconds later I am shooting beer pong.

Aids and I win, of course.

The girls want to go home, I am very obliged to get them out of here (side note: don't hate these girls, I was just annoyed that night). Right before we leave Aids looks at me and says: "Hey, I got a snack attack, let’s get something at ARCO."

Snack attack? Sure Aids, Let's blow this Popsicle stand get some tubular munchies dude!

After we drop the girls off, it's on to ARCO to satisfy Aids' generation confused craving. He picks up some Neon Worms and Funions, which are not onions, nor much fun, so I didn't get it.

Back at the house the last thing I remember, is sticking my hand in the Neon Worm packet. I guess the Neonness of the worms was Maxwell's Silver Hammer for me, and I just passed the fuck out.

It wasn't the best night I've had, but that was just Friday night, I got one more with these guys.